Wading through a Fog

I'm tired.

My eyes are heavy.

My arms and feet and shoulders feel as though they are dragging sandbags.

A few tears, but not many.  I think tears would be better.  More freeing than this heaviness that just pushes me to succumb to numbing sleep.

Grandpa died one year ago today.  The day he died I couldn't even remember my phone number.  I had to be strong, for my family, because that's what I do.  My family is dramatic.  I am not.  My family is loud.  I am not.  My family grieves with stories and tears and sadness and joy and everyone mashed in together.  I do not.

I need peace.  Quiet.  Solitude.  I need Him.

Today is a day for memories.  For love.  For sadness and joy.  For craziness and I hope some solitude.

The day I finally had a chance to process, to grieve, months after he died, I wrote this while sitting by his bench:


Things I've Learned from Grandpa:

~Work. Work till the job is done. No unnecessary breaks. Most breaks are unnecessary.
~If it needs to be done, do it. It doesn't matter whose job it is.
~No whining.
~If it hurts, cut it off.
~Love God. He loves you.
~Go to Mass on Sundays. And holy days. And when given the opportunity. Dress appropriately.
~Priests are people, too. So are nuns and brothers.
~Help people. Especially those that would be forgotten. Do it consistently and quietly.
~Always jump at the opportunity to go get ice cream.
~Lead by example.
~Peanut butter. 'Nuff said.
~"Deci" means tenth. "Centi" means hundredth. Math made so much more sense after that.
~Listen to your mother.
~Money: you can't take it with you.
~Family is to be treasured. Friends are the family you meet along the way.
~Do what you love. Share it with others.
~Life's funny. Laugh deeply and often. Greet it with a twinkle in your eye.
~Bedhead rocks. But comb it out before you leave.
~Do something nice for your spouse. Even when you argue, you'll get to show them love. Love might smell like coffee.
~An honest man looks you in the eye when you shake hands. You better not lie.
~Wear your grubbies when you go car shopping.
~Your grubbies can last forever.
~Give people the benefit of the doubt.
~Education is important. Don't squander it.
~Think. God gave you a brain, use it.
~Keep a notepad and pen handy at all times. You never know when you'll need them.
~Even if you don't like to read, support and encourage those who do.
~Learn how to fix things.
~If you can do it yourself, do. If not, don't be stupid, call in the professionals.
~The professionals work for you, choose wisely and pay fairly.
~Travel.
~Get outside. Golf, a walk, whatever. Just enjoy.
~Never forget. Our military members are peace keepers. The men and women who have died in service are the heroes. The "other side" are people too. Treat them as such. God and His people are bigger than politics. Politics is always there. Be bigger.
~Treat the flag with respect.
~Stand for our anthem.
~Pray for Ireland.
~Remember your roots. Roots are grown in community.
~Slainte!
~It's always a good time for some good Irish music.
~Generally, food is good. Don't be too picky. It's a blessing to have enough.
~Don't waste.
~When driving, brake and turn gently enough that a passenger reading an open newspaper won't crinkle the page.
~Keep your cool.

Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon him.
May his soul and the souls of the faithful departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.

Amen.