HA! I'm not the only one!

We had a great start to breastfeeding.  And an awful one.  In summary:

• "perfect" latch the first time (according to the nurse) even though it hurt
• PIRANA child (bit down and sucked so hard she drew blood blisters... EVERY. TIME.)
• gained weight "appropriately"
• "nursed like a champ" every 1-6 hours (she slept a pretty long shot at night right off - the hospital staff wasn't impressed - i.e. woke us both up every 2 hours insisting that our peacefully sleeping and clearly not starving child simply must eat)
• no engorgement when my milk came in (despite serious overproduction issues that stemmed from blindly following advice that clearly wasn't working)
• baby was in general a pretty happy baby
• I hated it.

Yep.  There were no warm, fuzzy feelings, no exceptional closeness, no enjoying the new-baby smell.  I. Hated. Breastfeeding.

Now don't get me wrong, I was 100% committed to giving our baby what I knew was best for her and my husband was 100% behind me which made all the difference in the world, but every single time I nursed our baby I battled irrepressible feelings of hopelessness, even anger.  It was awful.  I loved our baby and loved holding her, cuddling her, soaking in all her babyness, just not nursing her.  On more times than I can count I either bawled through most of a nursing session or had to pass our daughter off to my husband before she could even latch on just so I could get a grip before she ate.

I figured it was the hormones.  They're supposed to be all out of whack after you give birth, right?  Or possible post-partem depression (which I won't rule out, but I figured not every day was bad, or at least not all day, so we were okay, right?)  I mean, everyone raves about the wonderful bond between a mother a nursing baby.  All the research I did said I could look forward to some soreness, yes (which the more research I do, the less true this appears to be), but most importantly a warm gush of love every time I nursed.  Well I didn't get that.  "There must be something wrong with my perspective, because I'm doing everything else right" is what I told myself over and over.  "I'm just not trying hard enough."

Enter this bolt of lightening:  http://www.fightingfrumpy.com/2009/10/im-such-boob-sequel.html

And this simple description: http://www.d-mer.org/Frequently_Asked_Questions.html

I'm. Not. Crazy.

I wish I had known more about this oh I don't know eight months ago.  I think it could have saved a lot of heartache and self-berrating.  I think I would not have felt like such a hopelessly terrible mother for not loving such a huge part of caring for our newborn.  I think I would have sought out help.

So.  For any currently nursing moms, potentially future nursing moms, and the dads and friends that support them, if something doesn't feel right, YOU'RE NOT ALONE and don't be afraid to seek out help :).