It's About Time

So I haven't really been updating very well on blogger, but what else is new?  Since it's 2:45 am and baby Bird is fighting sleep tooth and nail, rather loudly at that, I'd just as soon not be in the same room.  Hence the sudden catch-up blog posts.

I'll try and do a series of posts so I can get all caught up.

Here they are:
Topic #1:  Return from Deployment
Topic #2:  Our Decision


Topic #1:  Return from Deployment

I should have done this post when this was all fresh in my mind, and I wrote several posts in my head that sounded just lovely.  Time's past and the raw emotions and quirks of my husband's homecoming have faded but I will try and include at least the highlights.

• My husband came home from his 4-month deployment about 2 months ago.
• With him came all the joys and adjustments of having Daddy and husband home again.
• Joys were:
• Sharing the bed again! (umm, duh)
• No more worrying about his safety, even if there isn't much to worry about I always do
• Seeing baby Bird light up and giggle the whole way home once she could actually see who it was (it was dark when we picked him up)
• Spending some much-needed family time together (LOVE those 10 days of post-deployment leave!)
• Mini-vacation to Tokyo and skiing
• Not having to be the only one responsible for walking the dog, doing the shopping, and keeping the house running.  Especially the dog part.  I like sleeping in the mornings, not getting fully dressed just so I can walk the dog down the stairs to pee.
• Adjustments were:
• Sharing the pillows again.  I'd become quite the pillow hog in 4 months...
• Learning how to connect in person with baby Bird since she'd grown quite a bit while Daddy was gone.
• Reworking how we parent as a team - no glitches really, just learning the daily rhythm and flow as well as sharing what boundaries had been set, etc.  We did pretty well on communicating this stuff while Daddy was deployed so it was a pretty smooth transition I think.  It might have been different if baby Bird was older.
• Sleeping.  I had terrible sleep patterns during the deployment.  Unfortunately it took several weeks after my husband got home before I was kindof into a decent routine.  That part sucked.

I know there were tons of other things I wanted to include in the homecoming posts, but between the passage of time and the wee-hour morning this is about all I've got.  Sorry :-/.  I'm sure my memory will be jogged on some things in the next few weeks given our current situation, which I will share in my next post.  Peace! :)

Winter's Drawing to a Close

The end of this deployment is getting nearer day by day, and my mind keeps rushing faster and faster at the thought of him coming home.

Will he like the new clothes I got while he was gone?
Will he like my new size and shape?
Will our baby girl reach out to him and cry "Dada!" in glee?
Will he be confused by the changes I've made in the house?
Will I be okay with giving up hogging the whole bed?
Will he get frustrated with our daughter's middle-of-the-night wake-up calls?
Will the dog still mind me even when he's home?

I'm tired and stressed and excited and worried and impatient and ready for this deployment to be over but a bit timid about what its end will bring.

My love for him grows daily, whether he's here or there, but some thoughts, feelings, and emotions have been hibernating for the last several months.  They're just beginning to stir like a sleepy bear waking to the little hints of spring in the air.

I'm ready for him to be home.

I've Been Told This is Part of Parenthood

The guilt.  The never-ending nagging feeling that I'm not doing something right, that I could be doing something, many things, better.  That the decisions I make today will have some far-reaching, horrible effect on our child that I won't be able to undo.  The knowledge that someone, somewhere, has the answer and I'm just not looking hard enough for it.  This is exhausting.  I've done many things out of sheer necessity that I would not have otherwise chosen, but I'm doing the best I can.   On that front I think it'll be better when Daddy comes home.  Regardless, our days are filled with prayers and learning to trust God in ways I never would have thought of before becoming a parent.  Lord help me, I know You bring us to and through only those things which we can handle with Your help!

Long Nights

I think this is the hardest part.  Long nights when you can't sleep, your mind won't shut down, and all you want is a hug, some quiet words of assurance, and a listening ear.  Nothing replaces the love of a spouse.  Deployment, please hurry up!

How to Survive a Deployment: Spouse Edition

PRAY
The family that prays together stays together.  Pray for each other and with each other.  Share prayer requests.  Share rejoicing in answered prayers.  Lean on God and revel in His glorious goodness and love!

COMMUNICATE
This means more than writing letters, Skyping, emailing, or whatever you can do to keep in touch with your loved ones.  It's about WHAT you say and HOW you say it.  Our spouses are not mind readers and Skype isn't the same as sitting with someone face-to-face.  Talk through what you're feeling, tell stories (big and little) about what you've been doing, share your hopes, dreams, fears, and silliness.  Be willing to be a good listener.

INCLUDE EACH OTHER
Discuss finances, work together on changes in bedtime routines, plan Christmas shopping, ask for input and advice when making decisions.  Do NOT let the miles act as a brick wall.  I think feeling disconnected and excluded are probably some of the toughest things to overcome during reintegration, but there's no reason for these to be issues if you work at including each other during the deployment.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
Stress is fueled by poor eating, poor sleeping, and poor health.  Invest in your health and sanity by eating right, exercising, and getting a good night's sleep.  Keep your body and mind occupied and fresh through work, hobbies, volunteering, or just getting out and doing something.

IGNORE THE CLOCK
The first deployment I counted down the days.  The second deployment I kept track of weeks or months (1/4 of the way through, 1/2 way done, etc.).  This deployment I've quit looking at the calendar and just taken it one day at a time.  This one has gone so much smoother!  It's easy to get overwhelmed with big chunks of time, but taking things one day at a time helps you focus on the present and not mourn the past or dread the future.

COURT EACH OTHER
Remember when you were dating?  The silly stories you'd share? Late-night phone conversations? Surprise gifts?  The excitement of getting to know each other?  It seems our culture assumes you pitch all that out the window when you get married.  Not true!  I can think of no better time to be excited about sharing each other's lives than when you're married.  If you 're having trouble being creative in ways to get to know each other and show your love, skip the sex.  WHAT?!  Yes.  No sex.  Sex is a gift - a giving of yourself completely to your spouse.  It should be an extension of your love for one another, not a replacement for the deep life-long daily decision and joy of choosing to love someone.  If you're not already, I strongly recommend you begin practicing Natural Family Planning.  If you are conscientiously avoiding getting pregnant, than you and your spouse will practice periodic abstinence.  This is a gift!  It's a chance for you both to reconnect in ways outside of the bedroom.  If you are not practicing NFP or are not avoiding pregnancy, I would still urge you to engage in periodic abstinence - you may be amazed at how many new ways you can find to share and build your love for one another and at the end of each period of abstinence comes a mini-honeymoon - whoohoo! ;p  A bonus is preparation for deployments.  Too many times I've seen couples whose relationships depended so heavily on physical gratification then when separated, they couldn't function as a couple.  They had no idea how to show love to one another without hopping between the sheets.  This is a recipe for disaster.  So.  Save the sex and start dating again!

BUILD EACH OTHER UP
Don't play the blame game.  Each of you is experiencing things you've never experienced before and it's tough.  Real tough.  Listen to each other's concerns and be realistic about what you're dealing with.  Be each other's support system.

BUILD A SUPPORT SYSTEM
Even under the best of deployment circumstances, there are some things that you simply cannot do or be for each other.  Seek out other spouses and families that are currently experiencing or have experienced deployments.  Find someone you can call in the middle of the night when you're sick and need Gatorade and be willing to do the same for them.  Spouse groups, church communities, work buddies, etc. are places you may start to find some supports.  No matter how much you want to be a hermit, you WILL need support at some point so seek it out, reciprocate it, and enjoy it as the blessing it is!

KNOW THERE'S A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!
Deployments do end.  People do change during them.  That's okay - people change even without deployments!  Embrace change and love each other through it all - there is an end in sight!

Major Intervention: Day 1

We have a great dog.  She's driving me nuts.

Usually my husband takes her for periodic runs, hikes, and other high-energy adventures.  He's deployed.  Yay.

Most days, just making it to the point of showered, dressed, fed, and dog let out to go potty is quite the feat.  Our daughter's sleeping schedule is a mess, so that means mine is too.  We're all running on tired, stressed, and sick of Daddy not being home.

Our daughter's reaction is fussiness and a new conviction that she is the center of the universe and requiring of my full attention at all times.  My reaction is a shorter fuse and a lack of motivation and energy.  Our dog's reaction has been barking at sounds she can't identify (we live in an apartment, there are a LOT of unidentifiable sounds), jumping on and barking at visitors, and most recently growling at our daughter when our little one has come near the dog's food bowl.  That's a problem.  A big problem.  A big enough problem that without major intervention I think she's going to need a new home.

So.  Friday was Major Intervention: Day 1.  Major Intervention consists of:

• Daily walks of at least 30 minutes.  These aren't just exercise walks, these are show-the-dog-who's-in-charge-through-consistent-discipline walks.  Think Dog Whisperer.
• No more kicking her feet after she goes to the bathroom.  It's supposed to be a show of "I'm the boss" and help spread her scent, so nope, no go doggie.
• Immediate redirection to her bed every time she barks, jumps, begs for attention, etc. until she cools it and is ready to focus on my instructions.
• Eating only one time a day, while the baby is asleep.  If the dog doesn't eat within 30 minutes, the food gets put up.  If she's hungry she'll eat the next time food is offered (she's always been very good about self-regulating her food intake).

Once we get these elements in place we'll work in more tactics, but for now I think the most drastic changes in her behavior are going to be brought on by increased exercise and the constant reminder of who's in charge.  I know these are no-duh things, but the daily walks especially are really going to be a stretch for me.  Please wish us luck - we really need to see a major change in our dog's behavior!

Christmas Peace and Waiting

I have something like 4 or 5 posts with one-line notes to myself sitting in my draft pile, waiting to be fleshed out and shared with the world; a pile more pop into my head only to get shoved out with more pressing matters such as diapers and dog food.

As I sit and type this post our beautiful baby girl is gently holding our dog's bone out to her so the dog can chew more comfortably (presumably that's the reason... right?).  Such a sweet picture :).

Christmas is only 3 days away but it doesn't even feel like we've made it past fall.  It doesn't feel like Advent, it doesn't feel like Christmas, it doesn't feel like much of anything really.  Daddy's been deployed for awhile now and we're all just in a holding pattern waiting for him to come home.  Our little girl is growing and learning by leaps and bounds, but there is little else to show time's passing.  I quit working outside of our home right before LO was born and Daddy's not on a schedule that affects us much - he doesn't come home for lunch at a specific time, he doesn't need to get up and out the door in the morning, he doesn't have workdays vs weekends that have any bearing on us.  We talk to him on Skype but not on a predictable schedule.  The only place we need to be at a specific time is Mass and even then we have choices on which Mass to attend.  It seems very much like we're just standing still, waiting to see what will happen next but only with a mild curiosity.

This isn't to say we haven't been doing anything.  On the contrary, we have craft projects and organization projects and furniture projects and Spouse Club projects spread from one end of the house to the other!  Several weeks ago I must have caught the craft bug because every time I turn around another project idea peeks around the corner and begs to be tried out.  It's been fun :).  I suppose that's one of the benefits of deployments - if all these projects were out while my husband were here he might have a conniption!

Regardless, it IS Christmas time and I think taking a break this year from all the bustle of getting ready for the holidays has left time and space in my heart and soul for more important things to grow.  We're not opening presents on Christmas day  (nor anytime soon for that matter) and I don't care one whit.  I haven't been very good about Advent decorations/visible preparations such as an Advent wreath or calendar, but I've been talking about the Christmas story with our daughter without feeling like I have to say anything about Santa and all the secular trappings of the season.  This Christmas preparation has been peaceful, calm, and pure.  I am looking forward to celebrating Mass with our daughter and just rejoicing in the joy of Christ's birth.  Perhaps God guided the timing of this deployment so we would have a chance to start off on the right foot as we celebrate our daughter's first Christmas - it's certainly setting the stage for much more peaceful Christmases in the future :).

Complaining and I know it.

So feel free to stop reading right here.



My head hurts.  My mouth is dry.  I thought I was done being sick then ate lunch today and tummy went into spasms.  I have a 4' x 8' sheet of plywood in my living room.  It's a Christmas card that was supposed to be painted and up by the roadside by last night.  What a wonderful week to get sick.  Got to experience our first mama-puking-so-baby-please-keep-sleeping episode this week.  Brought on pregnancy flashbacks, not the happy kind.  I am so over this deployment it isn't even funny.  Time has completely gone out the window but right now it feels like time is crawling.  Nothing seems to go just right with hubby deployed but we've been doing just fine.  Done now though, thanks.  I'm tired.  Going back to bed.  It's only 2:55 in the afternoon.  Oh well, maybe baby will keep playing and not lock herself into the dog's crate this time (true story).

Military Tides

PCS Season.  Deployments.  TDYs.  Retirements.  Changes of Command.  Promotions.  Lots of things going on right now.  People we love have moved on to new places and new faces appear daily.

This is the life we have chosen.  Most days I like it, some days I love it, and some days I just call it a scrap and move on.

Right now we're focused on an upcoming deployment.  Not totally unexpected, but not exactly planned-ahead either.  We had not-so-secretly hoped dh wouldn't deploy while we were stationed here, but that was silly thinking and we knew it.  Uncle Sam must have heard our quiet chatter and decided to remind us who's in charge of where/when we go.

So.  Deployment it is.

We've done two deployments so far, and learned different things from each.  This will be our first while stationed overseas and (more significantly) our first with a little one.

The upsides:
-Daddy was here for our little one's whole "growing time" (i.e. my pregnancy) AND the delivery (one of my biggest fears with the military has always been that I'll have to "go it alone" during a delivery)
-he's seen lots of milestones including first bath, first smile, first roll, pushing up, hands and knees, and hopefully crawling before he goes (pretty likely the way dd is hanging out on all fours these days!)
-Skype.
-he's not as likely to deploy again for (hopefully) awhile
-he can bring his bike (he's training for a triatholon :) )
-we get to visit family/friends in the States before he goes
-the support here is amazing - so much better than our last base!!!!!

I'm trying not to focus on the downsides right now.  We're on quite a short timeline and frankly we don't have time to mope.  That's probably best :).

We're going to need some help though and I know that.  If I learned anything during my pregnany it's that people genuinely want to help and I genuinely need to accept it - for my health and my sanity.

This is why I'm asking you guys - what advice can you give for making the most of a deployment with a little one?  It's a "short" deployment and I know both dh and I can handle it just fine (lots of prayers and good communication are key!), but I'm worried our little one is going to take it hard.  Will she know who he is when he comes home?  Will she sleep as well while he's gone?  Can I make her smile as big as she does for her Daddy?  I'm all ears for tips.

For a friend

Ok, I'll see if I can hit all the points I want to here :).


1) We are one year into our four-year assignment overseas. While challenging at times, I am thrilled to have this amazing, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.


2) It's legitimate to be concerned about having a good strong support system when you PCS to a new place whether stateside or overseas. When we moved to Tucson I wasn't all that concerned but as it turns out we were very challenged to find our niche in the community. Stateside bases are pretty much located within civilian communities which means there are piles of churches, schools, stores, etc. Yay for convenience but crappy for encouraging unity within the base.

3) God always provides. My biggest fear when we got orders to Japan was that the church on base would be awful (we had a bad experience in Tucson). The next nearest English Mass is over an hour away, so we knew we'd have limited choices. Not to worry - the church community here on base has been amazing in more ways than one :).


4) It is what you make of it. Overseas bases tend to have fantastic resources and support systems built into darn near every aspect of base life. However, you have to be willing to put yourself out there at least a little bit (this is really hard for me but it is SO worth it!). Examples include Spouses Clubs, children's playgroups, Bible studies, off-base tours organized by the base, the list could go on forever :). In our experience so far, these kinds of supports are much more prominent and successful than those at stateside bases. Everybody's in the same boat overseas, so they tend to help each other out/seek each other out more than in the states :).

5) Deployments are a fact of life. They suck. No getting around that. However, they can go much more smoothly when the whole family is prepared and good supports are in place. On top of the everyday base supports, there are great resources available for deployed families. At this base there is a monthly free dinner for deployed families, a certain number of hours of free childcare per month, piles of trips and family-friendly events specifically for deployed families (think Disney!), and each unit makes sure the families get whatever help they need (meals, mowed lawns, whatever). This is in addition to whatever support you get from the friends you make on base (and you will... quickly!). The best support I get during deployments comes from fellow milfamilies that have been there, done that. Civilians, no matter how hard they try, just don't get it.


6) Make friends. Go out of your way to meet people. PCS season is like the tide - it brings in new people as well as pulls some away. You don't have time to dilly-dally when it comes to getting to know people. This can be tough. I am a wall flower and have to almost force myself to go up to a new person with a smile and introduce myself. Boy am I glad I do that though - I have met some amazing people that have enriched my life and the life of my whole family! Some of those people I may meet only once, others I hope to keep connected to for a lifetime, but the support I get (and hopefully give!) by connecting to those people is invaluable. This is part of what it means to be a military family - embrace it :D!


7) Deployments vary widely in duration. During shorter deployments (six months or less), many families choose to either stay in their homes overseas (since there are all those built-in support systems!), or go "home" to the states for just a visit - maybe up to 2 months. During longer deployments (one year or more) some families choose to stay overseas (for school, work, or personal reasons) and some choose to move back to the states. If the service member is given an "unaccompanied" tour in say Korea (this is not a deployment, but in fact a temporary duty assignment, typically of one year or more) then the Air Force (and perhaps the Army?) will give the deployed family the choice of moving back to the states, but be sure and double check if the move has to be to your "home of record" or to any place you choose. This can be important if your home of record is in one state, but your extended family (whom you want to live near for that year) lives in another state.


8) Military bases are like child factories. Seriously - I think children under 18 outnumber adults like 3 to 1 :P. This means that if you have kids, don't worry - so does eveyone else (well, almost). Playgroups, childcare, playgrounds, schools, sports, youth centers, dance lessons, etc. abound. So do families with children the exact ages/stages as your children :).


9) There's always something new to experience when you're overseas. That's one of the best parts!


10) There's always something to miss when you're overseas... like Dominoes :) (we do have Pizza Hut though, and Subway, and Burger King, and well.. we're not exactly deprived over here ;p).


11) In my opinion, despite its challenges, frustrations, and occassional silliness, living overseas with the military is TOTALLY worth it :D.


Ok, hopefully that hits all the high points of military life overseas. If your friend is willing to talk with someone she's never met, then please feel free to share my contact info with her :). I am also happy to drum up the milwife network and find some local base people in the country she's potentially moving to. It makes a huge difference to have a friend before you arrive in a new place!


Thanks and good luck - I know this has been long... ;p