How to Survive a Deployment: Spouse Edition

PRAY
The family that prays together stays together.  Pray for each other and with each other.  Share prayer requests.  Share rejoicing in answered prayers.  Lean on God and revel in His glorious goodness and love!

COMMUNICATE
This means more than writing letters, Skyping, emailing, or whatever you can do to keep in touch with your loved ones.  It's about WHAT you say and HOW you say it.  Our spouses are not mind readers and Skype isn't the same as sitting with someone face-to-face.  Talk through what you're feeling, tell stories (big and little) about what you've been doing, share your hopes, dreams, fears, and silliness.  Be willing to be a good listener.

INCLUDE EACH OTHER
Discuss finances, work together on changes in bedtime routines, plan Christmas shopping, ask for input and advice when making decisions.  Do NOT let the miles act as a brick wall.  I think feeling disconnected and excluded are probably some of the toughest things to overcome during reintegration, but there's no reason for these to be issues if you work at including each other during the deployment.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
Stress is fueled by poor eating, poor sleeping, and poor health.  Invest in your health and sanity by eating right, exercising, and getting a good night's sleep.  Keep your body and mind occupied and fresh through work, hobbies, volunteering, or just getting out and doing something.

IGNORE THE CLOCK
The first deployment I counted down the days.  The second deployment I kept track of weeks or months (1/4 of the way through, 1/2 way done, etc.).  This deployment I've quit looking at the calendar and just taken it one day at a time.  This one has gone so much smoother!  It's easy to get overwhelmed with big chunks of time, but taking things one day at a time helps you focus on the present and not mourn the past or dread the future.

COURT EACH OTHER
Remember when you were dating?  The silly stories you'd share? Late-night phone conversations? Surprise gifts?  The excitement of getting to know each other?  It seems our culture assumes you pitch all that out the window when you get married.  Not true!  I can think of no better time to be excited about sharing each other's lives than when you're married.  If you 're having trouble being creative in ways to get to know each other and show your love, skip the sex.  WHAT?!  Yes.  No sex.  Sex is a gift - a giving of yourself completely to your spouse.  It should be an extension of your love for one another, not a replacement for the deep life-long daily decision and joy of choosing to love someone.  If you're not already, I strongly recommend you begin practicing Natural Family Planning.  If you are conscientiously avoiding getting pregnant, than you and your spouse will practice periodic abstinence.  This is a gift!  It's a chance for you both to reconnect in ways outside of the bedroom.  If you are not practicing NFP or are not avoiding pregnancy, I would still urge you to engage in periodic abstinence - you may be amazed at how many new ways you can find to share and build your love for one another and at the end of each period of abstinence comes a mini-honeymoon - whoohoo! ;p  A bonus is preparation for deployments.  Too many times I've seen couples whose relationships depended so heavily on physical gratification then when separated, they couldn't function as a couple.  They had no idea how to show love to one another without hopping between the sheets.  This is a recipe for disaster.  So.  Save the sex and start dating again!

BUILD EACH OTHER UP
Don't play the blame game.  Each of you is experiencing things you've never experienced before and it's tough.  Real tough.  Listen to each other's concerns and be realistic about what you're dealing with.  Be each other's support system.

BUILD A SUPPORT SYSTEM
Even under the best of deployment circumstances, there are some things that you simply cannot do or be for each other.  Seek out other spouses and families that are currently experiencing or have experienced deployments.  Find someone you can call in the middle of the night when you're sick and need Gatorade and be willing to do the same for them.  Spouse groups, church communities, work buddies, etc. are places you may start to find some supports.  No matter how much you want to be a hermit, you WILL need support at some point so seek it out, reciprocate it, and enjoy it as the blessing it is!

KNOW THERE'S A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!
Deployments do end.  People do change during them.  That's okay - people change even without deployments!  Embrace change and love each other through it all - there is an end in sight!